AMERICAN, FICTION, INSPIRATIONAL
Write a story that includes someone saying, “I feel alive.”
Posted in Dialogue on Mar 24, 2023
“Fish Story” by Jack Kimball
In the pink sagebrush dawn, a herd of better than thirty brown-hided antelope stare at me from a hundred yards. I slow when my jeep makes the turn and they dart off as one, like an earth-bound flock of brown and white starlings locked in formation. They're soon lost on the featureless plain. Speeding back up, the four wheel drive rumbles down a mud road, crosses snow still left from winter in patched places, powers through, and then after miles of prairie flat, comes to the trailhead on the western slope of the range. I unload my pack, hiking poles, strap on gaiters.
Soon, I find myself on a flat-rooted, forest trail, winding through conifers on a blue morning: Mountain Hemlock, Englemann, Alpine fir and mostly Douglas fir, a lumbered tree, the winter buds still brown, but starting to come in blue-green on the tips with new growth. The air smells of fresh pine. I'm hiking through dense forest on both sides, new green moss, ferns opening up; and sometimes Aspen groves, early blooming, virid, leaves fluttering in the light wind (like a woman’s tongue say the indigenous peoples). The cool wind blows on my face, down my back.
The snowpack was heavy this year, six feet or more, and hasn’t melted off, so still dapples the trail, the woods. I have to go around or over tree trunks fallen or swept by avalanche, the house-wide path crossing the trail obvious where the snow simply plundered its way through, hundred year old trees cast aside in the violence of the slide. Where snow covers the trail I place each boot, leaving my imprint, but mostly the snow is gone and I step or sometimes leap over puddles or small streams, crystal clear to the bottom.
The first miles are easy hiking, level, but I need to cross the South Fork and the stream is rushing high in the spring runoff; the Forest Service bridge is wiped out where the trail crosses. Down stream, I see a tree fallen across, and make for that, bushwacking.
Climbing on the tree trunk, it seems steady, twelve inches wide, and I use my hiking poles to keep balance as I cross, placing each point before taking a step along the thirty-foot length. The loud roar of the stream is below, the water white, unrelenting, tumbling over rocks, and a mist covers my face as I cross.
Once over and back to the trail, I start to gain more elevation with switchbacks, and by afternoon I am above the tree line, craggy rocks rising on my right, scree, granite peaks above still covered in snow. The falloff on the left is covered with spring flowers on the steep meadowed slope in the sun, scarlet of Indian paintbrush, purple lupin, and yellow arrowhead. No one is on the trail. I sweat now in the afternoon sun.
Then the real climb begins, and I lean in, not hard, balance the push, gain some breath. When its too much I ease up, steady, a physical balance. A pace.
On a turn, I take my pack off, twenty pounds, pull out a water filter, squeeze out a draught into my mouth and look off and below—surprised how far I’ve come. I try to see where the jeep came off the plain. There it is, a little to the north. I remember the draw where I saw the antelope, still in the dawn, then sprinting after seeing me. It seems like a long time ago. Across the flat sagebrush expanse, the Stanley Basin, and then the string of the White Cloud Mountains, twelvers, some thirty miles away, horizon to horizon in a curve, ridges finite in the dry air, snow-capped.
Above the last switchback, just where the trail cuts through the saddle over the pass, beyond the scrub oaks holding the wind, lies the lake; diamonds floating, flashing in the sun, the water almost still. And it's what I’m after, what I came for, there by the shore. It’s below now where I came over, where the mountain runoff enters the lake. The water from the South Fork spools off to the side in its own hidden little pond, a basin, and lies quiet. That’s where the rainbows rise, tapping the surface, ripples making circles. They hit on the midges; cruisers looking for a meal, striking, holding.
I unpack my rod, reel, five-weight line, and hold a pattern when I cast a Griffith’s Gnat, a Whoolly Bugger; maybe a Prince Nymph, sometimes a San Juan. I find a gravel bar, a hole, a change in bottom, and the line stretches out, loops, falls gentle—and the strike hits. The rod pulls hard to the right, the line makes a sound like ‘zzzzzit’, riping out as the fish runs, pole bent almost back on itself, a strong fish. I play it back some, tension on the line, let it out, then back again, the fish tires in the game.
Three fish are kept, most released. The keepers are fifteen inchers, slender, iridescent pink, and with a red line down the silvery sides, a greenish tinge. Black spots are on a dark blue olive back. They’re slick to the touch but have no smell, clear eyed. The head and tail come off with a knife on a flat rock, then gutted. I filet off the meat and store it in a clear plastic bag.
The land is silent, no boats on the water, no tourists hooting or howling, no dogs chasing—which only sharpens the sounds: an evening grosbeak claiming title to my ground, the high wind through pine, my boots on the path, my breathing.
I lay out the pale-yellow tent, pound stakes for the corners, run the poles through, and bring it up. After covering the tent with the fly, I throw my sleeping bag through the zippered door and stow the gear bag. There’s time before dinner, so I go to the shore, strip down, and step awkward on the small round rocks, gray, in my bare feet, bottom pads hurting, arms out for balance, and step into the water. The water is cold, but with a sharp exhale I move off the shore and dunk in. A few strides, then tread water; I feel the ebb of the flow through my fingers, the water smooth, warmer now, legs kicking through cool silk. Once back on shore I towel off, dress, and my clothing feels warm and clean against my skin, my back, my thighs.
Across the lake, a black bull moose stands large against a white snowbank on the water's edge a half a mile out. The spring antlers are starting to come in. The animal moves off into the low green willows. I wish I’d brought my binoculars. Beyond the willows the land forms a bowl, a stadium, as it rises a few thousand feet, scree covering the slope, cliffs form beneath spires of granite, snow in the channels.
I lose my sun as it falls below the peaks to the west and I’m in shade now. I chill quickly, and behind me the sun makes an alpenglow of rose and copper against the top horizon of bare granite mountains.
Gray clouds move in and push out the pink-blue sky. It darkens. I crawl into the tent and lie on my back with my head against the gear bag and listen as the wind comes up, gusting through the pines, more a whisper than a rush. I can smell the rain coming, pungent. And then the drops hit on the fly of the tent making small popping sounds, a solo drummer; each drop slow, hollow, and singular. The drum picks up the rhythm like a concert, from slow to steady to fast, and along with the now vibrating beat, the wind flutters, then shakes the sides of the tent, like a flapping sail. As the squall moves through, the rain falls loud on the fly with the beats merged in a frenzy, indistinguishable one from the other. But then the rain recedes as it came, the beats slow, slower, until the drops peppering the tent play out and stop. I exit the tent and the blue evening sky is back, the air cool and clean, a caress.
The stove’s in my pack and I pull it out along with the pan, spark the blue gas and the rush of flame hisses, hot. Some butter in the pan melts down and I place the filets one by one, making sure they don’t fold on one another. I turn them with my white plastic fork and they sizzle and I can smell the butter against the fish.
At a high mountain lake, a man who lost his days in better and best, who spent the greater part in commutes and TV, who finds himself with not much ahead; now has dinner on a plastic plate between two logs—the trout; tender, sweet, flaked white—and for the first time, in a long time, says to himself, ‘I feel alive’.
END
26 likes 27 comments
2 points Wally Schmidt
05:43 Apr 18, 2023
I felt like I was reading a painting...so many beautifully articulated details that put the reader right in the scene with you. A totally sensory experience.
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2 points Laurel Hanson
14:00 Apr 14, 2023
This completely puts the reader in the scene. Well done.
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1 point Jack Kimball
17:00 Apr 16, 2023
Thank you Laurel. Now if I could just have a plot...
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2 points Susan Catucci
12:42 Apr 07, 2023
This is truly a feeler, Jack - beautifully realized from the inside out. I feel refreshed and the fish was buttery flakey perfection. Great job.
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1 point Jack Kimball
17:47 Apr 07, 2023
Thank you Susan. It was all about the sensory descriptions.
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2 points Cailie E
03:21 Apr 05, 2023
I can't even make up words for what I want to say after reading this- its. amazing. I really felt like I was there with the whole journey, the descriptions were so vivid that I had no trouble imagining them. Since I'm more of a descriptive 'writer', I love short stories like these!! I've also been reading a lot of other writers' works to work on my words (to make my story even deeper) and your short story like this helped me reflect on what I have to change in my writing skills. Overall, I love it!!
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2 points Jack Kimball
12:17 Apr 05, 2023
Thank you so much Callie. I really tried to focus on sensory detail with this. So many writers on Reedsy do this really well, so its driven from their lead. Anyway, your comment made my day, so I appreciate you both reading ‘Fish Story’ and taking the time to comment.
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2 points Anita M Shaw
16:19 Apr 03, 2023
I was right there with him! (I hope he doesn't mind that . . .) Great job!
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1 point Jack Kimball
21:20 Apr 03, 2023
Thanks for reading and commenting Anita. Glad to bring you along!
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2 points Cecilia L. Maddison
12:37 Apr 02, 2023
Hi Jack. I had to come back and re-read this because the images are so powerful and the sensory details so vivid that one read is just not sufficient. It is outstanding, perhaps more nature writing than story, and a joy to read. It made me feel alive too.
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2 points Jack Kimball
12:58 Apr 03, 2023
Thank you Cecilia! I feel I made progress with this story, more an exercise in sensory detail; inspired (by the way ) from stories like your ‘Old Soul’, and much of the exemplary writing I discover on Reedsy. It’s a real challenge to ‘up my game’ but I’m trying.
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2 points Mary Bendickson
03:46 Apr 02, 2023
Inspirational indeed! Loved the trip you took us on. Forgot all about looking for that phrase 'I feel alive' then boom! you were showing us all along.
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1 point Jack Kimball
12:45 Apr 03, 2023
Thank you Mary. After reading your ‘Timothy's Birth Day’ it seems trite however.
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2 points Mary Bendickson
14:48 Apr 03, 2023
Thanks again. When you live it you don't realize the impact maybe 'til later. I had a wonderful visit with our boy on his birthday. Such a joy!
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2 points Russell Mickler
17:37 Apr 01, 2023
Hi Jack! This was very transportive and immersive for me. I love stories that take you somewhere and hand the reader concrete specifics, and this piece doesn’t disappoint. I loved the rich tapestry of the world and the prose is even poetic at times, and the life the character feels within it. Well done! R
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1 point Jack Kimball
18:37 Apr 01, 2023
From a guy like you (who can build Middle Earth), that’s high praise. Tapestry and poetry is exactly what I’m trying for. Thank you Russell.
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2 points Russell Mickler
18:50 Apr 01, 2023
Anytime, sir … :) R
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2 points Viga Boland
23:34 Mar 31, 2023
Jack, I have never fished and about the only time I’ve ever spent in the “wilds”…if I could call it that…was when my husband and I camped across the US on our honeymoon and Canada a year later. Your incredibly descriptive skills so perfectly captured some of the memories I have of the quietness, the almost etherial sense of being one with nature that I occasionally felt in the early mornings. As someone who loves to swim, I felt that plunge into the chilly water, though I wouldn’t be able to do it now. But I too remember the bone-aching cold of going up to my knees in the frigid waters of the Atlantic in Newfoundland…despite it being mid -summer. Thanks for bringing those memories back to me. Of course, it’s your closing paragraph that reminds most of us of years lost in daily commutes, hunched over desks and all the rest so many must do to earn their daily bread. And yes, don’t we all feel alive when we can finally take time out for the other things life offers us to refresh before getting back to the daily grind. It’s why I now appreciate retirement 😊 BTW, thanks for liking my meta, T.G.I.F. If you find time, I’d love you to read my other piece this week, Dolores-Delilah. It’s a departure from my usual, and not a Banter episode. As you can glean from T.G.I.F, this hasn’t been a humor-filled week for the Banters. 😔
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1 point Jack Kimball
15:09 Apr 01, 2023
Thanks for reading and commenting on 'Fish Story'. The, 'quietness, the almost ethereal sense of being one with nature', was what I was after, so it's great you felt that. As you know, my comments are also at Dolores-Delilah!
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1 point Viga Boland
15:20 Apr 01, 2023
Yes thanks Jack. Got those.
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2 points RJ Holmquist
15:47 Mar 31, 2023
I had a great experience reading this! I am a fisherman myself, so I fell right into the sensory experience. I almost called my Dad to try and plan a pack trip! Maybe I still will. The closing paragraph brought it all around really well. The line from the prompt not only felt like it belonged, but arrived with impact. Great work!
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1 point Jack Kimball
17:25 Mar 31, 2023
Thank you RJ. You made my day. Best is you liking the closing paragraph. I was worried about telling versus showing but now feel it may tie things together (or could be expanded with more show and less tell).
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2 points Michał Przywara
03:09 Mar 31, 2023
I liked the opening, and the language here is quite descriptive. Lots of senses, even temperature with the water. As it went on, I kind of forgot I was reading, and it became meditative. It reminded me of many weekends spent camping as a kid. The way it’s all set up, we can believe the narrator at the end. It seems to be a lesson we keep forgetting and relearning. I see you've labelled this draft, so in the interest of providing useful critique: I like the language here. It very much fits the narrator's mood. It's calm, it's observant, it's in the moment. Is the story missing anything? Perhaps conflict. Although, we do get hints of it. His background is clearly very different from this peaceful journey, and perhaps he carries some regrets about how he spent his life, how he valued things that he now realizes are meaningless. And it seems he's getting on in his years. But, that's backstory. He's overcome that conflict, because he's already left that life behind, and he's here now. What kind of conflict might fit? He could be miserable he has no-one to share this with (maybe estranged kids, or wife passed away) but that could be melodramatic and wouldn't really fit the story. Maybe it's something simple, then. Maybe he hasn't entirely let the past go yet, and this journey let's him let go a little more. I don't know what that might look like, but perhaps an impulse to check his phone, which he resists. Or perhaps, just as he sets off from his jeep, he hesitates, and then leaves his phone behind. Or maybe he fails to catch anything at first - and that failure, which once would have grated, he's fine with now because he no longer needs to be best. Maybe he catches himself smiling, which isn't something he's used to. Subtle things. Or a different approach, maybe his assumptions are challenged. Maybe he expected the journey to be more arduous, but it's not. Maybe he bought some extra gear "just in case", but he has no need of it - that was his old, over-planning self. Anyway, I've written quite a bit there, but I don't want to give the wrong impression. I like this piece. These are just some ideas, and not a call to overhaul things. The fact is this has got a wonderful serene feeling to it and that's not something I've often seen in stories. A very cool effect :) Well, the bull moose was mildly alarming, depending on his mood - but very serene otherwise :)
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2 points Jack Kimball
15:04 Mar 31, 2023
Well, first of all Michal, thank you for taking the time to both read 'Fish Story' and respond in depth. When I get input from a writer who basically can go toe to toe with someone like David Sedaris, as in your 'Bride in the Hand is Worth Two in the Books', I listen. I agree with you about the lack of conflict. I started the story feeling I needed to dig deep into sensory language, a cliche for writers, but lacking in my case. (You were part of the inspiration because your stories are so rich in sensory detail, as we've talked about in the past). So my goal was simply to put the reader vicariously into the story, without being clunky or writerly on my part, and pull in the senses, plot taking a back seat. You both saying you forgot you were reading, and the mood was serene, were exactly what I was after, so I'm hopeful maybe my 'voice' is starting to develop. As to conflict, the prompt was 'dialogue' which is kind of funny given the only dialogue was the last three words, and only when the MC 'says to himself'. If I were to expand the story, which it needs, one thought is to add a character to the trip and then try to build the conflict with subtext in a subtle way which leads to some kind of crises. I don't have a clue what that would be (all your ideas are good) but the story kind of sits on a precipice right now, built with subconscious, and I don't want to muck it up by 'thinking'. Plus, of course, its Friday! The big takeaway here is I really appreciate your input.
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2 points Lily Finch
22:56 Mar 30, 2023
Jack, this story is magnificently written. The descriptions and vivid imagery depict numerous scenes that allow the reader to feel as if they also see the antelope, hike the trail seeing those flowers and jumping the streams. But of course, the icing on the cake was making it to the lake and fishing. The rain coming and going was great. The moose sighting was also captivating. You really made the story attack the reader from all sides and all senses. I wonder about changing up this sentence maybe? Across the lake, a half mile, a moose is black, a bull, large, against a white snowbank on the water’s edge. Across the lake, a black bull moose stands large against a white snowbank on the water's edge a half a mile out. Just my suggestion. I enjoyed this story immensely. LF6.
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1 point Jack Kimball
23:58 Mar 30, 2023
Coming from you Lily, whose writing I admire greatly (Macey's Secret), this made my day. I wasn't sure about this story, my only goal was to increase the sensory language, but now I think it might be my best one (which doesn't say much; I have a long way to go). As to your suggestion, it's perfect of course and I quickly grabbed it. So thank you!! One of the things I love about Reedsy is the community.
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2 points Lily Finch
01:09 Mar 31, 2023
Me too. I admire your writing too, Jack. I don't agree that you have a long way to go. LF6.
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